(Told my mental health people when i posted my
fake family thing on Facebook that i seriously dislike judgments and conclusions
but you and the rest of my erstwhile family DEMANDED that i do so,)
For a birthday present i'm gonna present you a few facts about you and me.
First let me say that i addressed one major issue of yours regarding me years
ago, but the message i intended to relay then apparently did not get to you;
basically i said that your desire to push me so hard that i would
𝕤𝕟𝕒𝕡,
and attempt to perpetuate physical violence upon your person is not only beneath
contempt, it demonstrates a lack of knowledge about me which not only indicates
the degree of your servitude to what i call the enemy of ordinary mind, i.e.
your fucked up seemingly-beyond-hope-of-redemption heart, guided to it's current
evil (just the facts here) state by that dangerous mind you continue to feed
with nothing short of violence, not only that but also a lack of capacity to
change even when presented with evidence beyond any reasonable doubt that you
are wrong, specifically about me.
The logical assumption of course is that Jerry Felton correctly said years and
years ago that you have dollar signs for pupils, that for whatever reason your
soul died but your body lives on, that reason/logic has no place in you.
But me, i have spent years and years and years cultivating the proverbial
𝕗𝕣𝕦𝕚𝕥𝕤 𝕠𝕗𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕡𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕥.
And i have produced them in abundance.
Let me show you one thing the Bible says about them, something real
pertinent to me: (but first:)
𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐑𝐔𝐍
𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐃𝐄
from the Truth, the Light, the Spirit, call It GOD if you like.
i emphasized the "no law" thing but want now to address self-control, the last
fruit in this list as well as the last fruit i cultivated to fruition.
i called Ann 6 or 8 or 10 months ago, i don't know, and said i had a surprise
for her and she did say they were home so i went over and Rodny finally came
out, unarmed, and said that i looked good.
(i recall pretty clearly your back yard on 19th and me and you [and Sam
was there] having a mental exchange of sorts when i let you know i can read your
mind pretty good.) Anyway, i read
Rodny's mind pretty good that day, he was thinking about Ann telling him i
𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 good, but she was afraid i had figured out she's fake family and
that was the non-violent part of my surprise.
Yeah.
"Think On These Things" is a Krishnamurti book i read in the early '70s, and it
was a life lesson for me, along with the Bible's admonition to think on such
things as are pure and beautiful, and all you want me to consider is what a
heartless Goddamn monster you have been and still are to me. Read Matthew
25. Go for the whole chapter, since it is another fucking warning to you
about yourself, for sure your biggest enemy.
Think back to your last "visit." i knew to a great extent what was going on when i opened the front door and saw you, (I had just told ann via text to let her actions reflect her words, talking about erik) and when you asked i said yes i would like you to leave, you reached for your wallet and said i had asked for money (long ago enough you could be sure i didn't buy this bs) and put a few Bens on the table and said "Call me if you need anything" on your way out the door. And you probably noticed
𝕚
𝕕𝕚𝕕 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕤𝕒𝕪 𝕒 𝔾𝕆𝔻𝔻𝔸𝕄N 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘.
Yeah, i got that message a long time ago, that a dentist or a
transmission or a bail bondsman are what? oh yeah, above your pay grade.
But the self-control aspect of me eased out that front door when I saw it was
you, casual as a fucking iceberg and just about as fast and sat my ass down on
that couch and didn't need to relax 'cause i WAS relaxed if only because your
entire visit was intended to provoke me to fucking snap.
And yeah, i've practiced stillness forever also, knowing how that verse should
go:
"𝖁𝖊 𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜
(just) 𝕲𝖔𝖉.
And of perhaps even more importance, i have learned that i can and have and will
𝔸ℂ𝕋 out of that stillness when i am supposed to.
i call it intuition. Believe
me, it has saved my life . . .
But one key to this message is my claim that i basically do what i am supposed
to do.
i just went back and looked at the beginning of this, saw i didn't put there
what i had planned to, so here is a copy of a text i sent last week to someone
who published it abroad say, not that i gave a shit:
first, filler:
Yeah, i talked a long time to you about me being "the trumpet" which might
signal 𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕣. Maybe not.
But Thursday, as i was handing back a phone, i said "i don't know how to
turn it off" and realized that we (me & phone owner) both were thinking war, and
i understood that text could have been a signal for armed, violent revolution.
But i wasn't done talking about my ability to act, with btw no thought, no
effort, simply being.
Common sense i knew when i got the transmission news 10 days ago demanded that i
sell the house, though my need for dental work never entertained such a
possibility even. (And yes, when i
sent that text last week that i should say "possibility" rather than "fact" was
a very real possibility say, but no choices, no decisions, is a real part of me
you see, and 𝖋𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖘 i wrote and stand by.)
So when i said at the pizza party i would live in this house if i had "a hundred
million dollars" i could well have added i'd live here "if it means starving to
death here." i'm supposed to live
here could be my last words.
And my death is why i'm still writing.
My teeth are so much of my life now, it wouldn't surprise me to learn they could
make my life even unbearable. (Told
lotta people our goal might be simply "unbearable compassion" and recently told
one person "i'm approaching unbearable compassion Goddamnit.")
Which reminds me i need to make it clear to Rodny that if he does anything
stupid (me respond to stupidity
with sarcasm eh) like give me the money i know you know I mentioned he could
give as a (lonesome) gesture of good will, i won't use it to get my teeth worked
on. As a matter of fact, the only
way i will do that OR look into my other health issues is if woodem get off the
full ten mill so their responsibility in what will certainly, definitely be an
earlier demise of me than otherwise will not only seal an already certain fate,
it will seal their reputations as examples of the result of ordinary people
giving free rein to their egos.
Yeah, spread the word that this: but 1st:
( my teeth 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 started needing a dentist when i got what? $300 entire
u.s. dollars to get a tooth pulled.
Because the dickhead who pulled it thought he was 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕤𝕖𝕟 by God and had
taught Sunday school long enough he could use the Bible to prove it.
Me & God & the Bible proved him wrong, and maybe starting the moment he
sqeaked out an agonized "I'm going to hell" his strong point was his hatred of
me, focusing apparently on my teeth, cause i went back & he showed me.)
this reveals only that my heart beats with the Holy Heart of God, my veins flow
with the Blood of Wrath issuing from The Sacred Cistern of Truth.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with 𝕞𝕖, who craves nothing but time to
drink coffee in the religion of solitude, basking in the Light of Truth.
i am dangerous only to ℯ𝓋𝒾𝓁 and its spawn.
And to all who say i be the evil, i say:
Yeah, when i wrote you "i acknowledge that you could be one of my people . .
."bs
i was merely covering all the bases, the preponderance of evidence would sway
any jury of live people you could put together.
And it really does hurt me to say it, to
blood no less, but to you & Ann & woodem
i can only say
𝖎 k𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖞𝖊 𝖓𝖔𝖙
afterthoughts:
It's not just non-action i embraced with so much of my being for oh so long, but
ⓟⓐⓢⓢⓘⓥⓘⓣⓨ as well, witness some near hearsay evidence:
twice i threw pennies to tell my fortune using the I Ching and once it
came up the second-best fortune in the book, one that i recall as "perfectly
passive" but that was like the
mid-'70s.
That mainly
i didn't say, but wish to, that my approach to life for a long long time has
been to doubt myself always, easy enough when the possibilities are virtually
impossible, but easier still when the mass of men are laughing at me.
But like the drip drip drip of Chinese water torture, when things keep occurring
that can almost only be explained by the fact that i am incredibly special to
the world say, i must consider the impossible not.
E.g., when i got "married" in 1985, my "wife" and i went to the local health
department for free condoms, which were latex and strong thick and which blocked
just about all feeling from any penis sheathed by one.
i was utterly delighted when, after some time had passed, these birth control
abominations were replaced by i will just say good condoms, and because the
possibilities i entertain about many things i consider are and have been rather
thorough, i did acknowledge that little ol' me could have been a big factor in
the change.
And if anybody is wondering, yes i have wandered off from addressing only fake
family to include the mental health "professionals" i sense gathering against me
at the behest of the money, the influence, the power of people who hate me and
will discover they have chosen this path to their own detriment, to cast it in
as good a light as is possible for such immense stupidity.
Because it should have been obvious for many many years that it has not been
some huge chasm between reality and my conception of it that has produced say,
what i say and have said, but rather what i have said and continue to say is in
fact (given events/facts which are indisputable) quite reasonable, quite
logical, even believable.
As a matter of fact, i told Kevin Ho, my main shrink(er of my head) for years
now, told him the last time i saw him about a Krishnamurti
𝕋𝕙𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕖𝕣𝕀𝕟𝕤𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 i did have and the actual fact that i thought i
could have made a breakthrough regarding me and reality and my mental health,
not adding that his pure compassion i considered a facilitating factor.
i also talked to him once about how pricing at Walmart re: groceries provided
circumstantial evidence anyway that my delusions of grandeur were not actually
delusional.
And when the Pine Belt Mental Health Mobile Crisis Response Team sent 3 people
to my house bacause i claimed in an email to erik (lowrey) to be a paraklete, i
was my usual humble self, knowing i have addressed my struggle with doubts about
myself enough that the sick sick sick attention directed at me is explanation
enough for a perhaps mistake say, given that "𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕚𝕤
𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕪" has been in the vocabulary of truth at least since the Stones
shouted:
"They shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?' when after all it was you and me!"
And mike, my encounter with a giant we discussed, how could anybody make that
up, and to what end? Here's another
something to consider about that matter, the explicit warning given me by
have-you-heard-his-latest? 𝔹𝕠𝕓 𝔻𝕪𝕝𝕒𝕟 (more and more this possibility
edges from ludi
crous to unbelievable to reality for anybody with an open heart/mind):
And let me add something i've never told a soul:
Johnny Drummond, a common criminal i rotfl called him on the Internet
years ago, walked me out to my car late late that fateful night in the hood and
showed me my lost for days wallet, on the car floor between the driver's seat
and door, soaking wet. We didn't
talk a lot but what i perceived that night was that my wallet had been in the
river, where my body minus head would have been if that encounter had gone
another way.
Just the facts, and there are so many surrounding me now it almost staggers
🅼︎🆈︎ imagination.
But let me say a little something about the bike which could well be my
transportation period till the death of me:
i will not get or use a helmet period.
One might have lessened my pain when my body smashed down onto a gravel
shoulder two days ago, not because the front wheel had a jerk to it that i
thought might keep me off the mf'er.
But for some reason i don't want to die from someone running me down like
an invisible dog, and if i get the filthy fucking money i deserve i doubt i ever
ride a bike on a public street again.
Another note on the impact money would have on my physical health: i have never had enough money to get a prescription inhaler for my COPD, something of which i know my fake family is cognizant. i think this might segue into an appeal for you mike and wood and ann to, for the love of God and humanity, to tell everygoddamnbody you told how fucked up i am that you've had a change of heart (dream a little dream huh.) and to not give me 𝒏𝒐 𝒈𝒐𝒅𝒅𝒂𝒎𝒏 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍,
𝒅𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓
a𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏.
And yeah, i just touched upon that very real reality that i don't often touch
because it demands i pay attention to it which i have learned to vent by merely
falling back on profanity and addressing it.
This could be important:
i am my brother's keeper, but i am not
my own keeper, if only because there is not enough 𝕞𝕖 to factor in to "what
is." i am everybody else's
responsibility. It's admittedly a
fine point, but consider what must be taken as the 𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘 from Pope
Francis years ago when he said something like "It is a temptation for us to
think that 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖕𝖔𝖔𝖗
are
𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲."
I've lived a long good life, and been pretty responsible for myself for much of
it. If i say i don't wish to live
beyond Friday, i think just this Samsung Note i be writing would, certainly
should be enough that anyone would say it is a self-evident truth that i have
the inalienable right to end my life, if only because in my case i have
reasonably and logically established that it is in my best interests to go
beyond here and now. And let's
leave the pain issue out of this, although it really is an issue with me
personally. i have no
responsibility for/to myself, it is only the greater good for which i am
responsible, and the greater have decided (this is for real to me right now) me
be no good for it/them.
And it ain't like i got a gd plan, i'm just being still, practicing non-action,
and observing without evaluating the attention to me, the energy flowing toward
me from the universe.
And like K says, "I'll tell you my secret:
i don't mind what happens. This is a universal truth." (paraphrase fer
sure)
The power of evil might nowhere be more evident than in the fact that
𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 could answer this question in the negative.
i said that. "Am i my brother's keeper?" Consider Strong's
inarguable definition of the Hebrew word Cain used in his (rhetorical is truth)
question to God: "Brother __ literal or figurative, near or
remote."
All it takes is for you to 🄺🄸🄻🄻
🅈🄾🅄🅁 🄴🄶🄾
and, to fall back upon the Biblical lexicon, be
𝖇𝖔𝖗𝖓 𝖆𝖌𝖆𝖎𝖓.
K used a wrong word here for this day and time, and he also misused "religious"
for "spiritual" a good bit, but he definitely deserves the right to be wrong.
self instead of ego, see? and it's no 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 he's saying
"There must be solitude for transformation" is close to one thing he says.
And by the way, he's surely not a teacher for everybody, but just as surely, he
was/is a teacher for me. And many
many times he rejects followers AND leaders, repeatedly saying "You must be your
own teacher" and i follow Rumi too, who says "Let your teacher be love itself."
Oh yeah, at the dental estimate i said 3.5-4 of 10 for my pain estimate, and it
plateaued there until i wrote ann about the 6-month old estimate; since then it
hasn't been below a 5, pain that i wake up to and go to bed with.
And dr. d. conerly probably killed
himself for his treatment of little ol' me, including an incredible display of
incompetence regarding my treatment by him, treatment i told wellness nurse Amy
about, and oh when he learned that did conerly ever freak. His nurse victoria
should be questioned to determine the degree of danger he & she exposed me to,
if anybody gives a shit, i could care less.
i added this image because some might not have heard of my path transforming
from Buddha's "Avoid all evil" admonition to "Confront evil when you come upon
it and hope this particularity can be overcome with good."